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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22704580">touch me and make me real</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/scandalous/pseuds/scandalous'>scandalous</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hannibal (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Porn, F/M, First Kiss, Mentor/Protégé, Older Man/Younger Woman, Past Character Death, Past Torture, Penis In Vagina Sex, Post-Episode: s03e07 Digestivo, Prosthesis, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 12:33:59</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,530</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22704580</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/scandalous/pseuds/scandalous</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A conversation at Jack Crawford's house leads to more for him and Miriam Lass.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jack Crawford/Miriam Lass</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Prompt Table Challenge: Sexy and Kinky, Trope Bingo: Round Fourteen</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>touch me and make me real</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p><b>trope bingo:</b> may/december romance<br/><b>sexy and kinky @ creativechallenges:</b> mentor/protégé</p><p>miriam's age is like, vague, and i thought she was meant to be a lot younger than her actress but considering she has a phd she's at the very least 26 in flashbacks. in this fic, she's 30 years old by the time hannibal surrenders to the fbi.</p><p>also this fic is a lot more angsty than porny. it's not very sexy. sorry!</p><p>enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">It starts, in one way or another, out of grief.</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"I shot an innocent man," Miriam says, sitting across from Jack in his home office. She's been going from place to place, at couches, not daring to go back to the apartment she used to live in— her landlord had been kind enough as to be understanding to the fact she had been abducted by a famous serial killer and started her lease over from scratch.</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Hannibal manipulated you into thinking he was the Ripper, Miriam," Jack offers her gently, tilting his head. He's still wearing black; it has been two months. "It's not your fault."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"I still shot an innocent man," she says, her voice wavering. "I'm tired— I'm tired of it. Of remembering." She bites her lip so hard she can almost taste blood, and she reaches over for a napkin with her prosthetic. Yet another thing she's lost because of Hannibal. She pauses for a second. "I visited him a few days ago."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain md-expand">"Miriam," Jack says heavily.</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"I know," she cuts him off. "My therapist said I shouldn't, that it's too early. But I had to see him."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">Jack considers this for a moment, and then he asks, "what did he say?"</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">He asks in a hushed whisper, like he will awake ghosts inside her if he says it too loud. And he might— at this point, he might.</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"I asked him why me," she says. "Why didn't he kill me, to be precise." Her lip quivers. "He said that I was a… </span>
  <span class="">
    <em>
      <span class="md-plain">valuable asset,</span>
    </em>
  </span>
  <span class="md-plain"> and that I wasn't a pig, so he was not going to slaughter me. He said that he— that he always held some sort of respect for me. That all it took for me to realize were his drawings." She frowns. "I don't remember that. I still can't remember exactly how he caught me."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Don't worry about remembering," he soothes, voice heavy. </span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"He said he kept me because of you," she says. "He had it all planned. All up to you finding me."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">Tears prick at Jack's eyes, as much as he would try to deny them. "Yeah," he nods. "He had it all planned. If he didn't want to surrender, he would still been out and about now."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Why'd he surrender, anyway?"</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">Jack gives her a small shrug. "Will didn't want to talk about what their conversation consisted of. He seemed pretty upset. And again, now he's trying to get away from all of this." He stands up and heads toward his coffee maker. "Coffee?"</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Sure," she nods. "How have you been holding up?"</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"I could ask you the same," he shoots back.</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Well, I'm asking you," she says.</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">He gives her a shrug and looks as the machine whirs. "I've been better."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">Miriam pauses for a long time. "You upped her medication, didn't you?"</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">Jack freezes and turns over to her. "Miriam, I—"</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"You killed her out of mercy."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">He swallows loudly. "Miriam."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"We aren't above the law." She smiles at him, albeit sadly. "It's okay, Jack. I would've done it too if I was you."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">He sighs heavily. "I just couldn't stand to see her keep suffering," he says.</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"I know," she nods, standing up and reaching out to give him a hug. "It's okay, Jack."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">Jack leans down to press a kiss to her scalp, hand carding through her hair as they keep that touch that makes them both a little too starved for more. Miriam buries her face on his chest, clinging onto him and resisting the urge to cry. She's craved touch oh so badly the last few years, wanting to be touched in a way that wasn't like </span>
  <span class="">
    <em>
      <span class="md-plain">that,</span>
    </em>
  </span>
  <span class="md-plain"> that wasn't Hannibal caressing her cheek as he told her he was going to amputate her arm.</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">He never touched her any more than necessary. Not in her memories, at least.</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"I need you, Jack," she mumbles deep into his chest. </span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">Jack remains stoic. The coffee machine whirs in protest of not being turned off or to have its contents taken out. "We can't do this, Miriam," he says. "I can't do this to you."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"But you want to," she says, looking up at him. "I'm not a child, Jack. I'm thirty years old."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"I am still your superior," he says. "I </span>
  <span class="">
    <em>
      <span class="md-plain">was</span>
    </em>
  </span>
  <span class="md-plain"> your superior, at the very least. And you've been through so much —"</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Would you sleep with me if it was recommended by my therapist?" she says.</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Luckily for us, she would never recommend sex with your superior as a valid therapeutic method."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Well, I still want you," Miriam replies, putting her hands on her hips. "It doesn't have to last longer, Jack. Just one night, I want to have the Guru all for myself. I want to have myself back."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">And she knows that Jack can't resist that. For her to ask anything of him after all she's been put through because, if one looks at it like that, because of him.</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"You and I both know it'll last longer than just one night," he says as he puts his hands over hers. </span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Well," she breathes. "We can cross that bridge when we get to it."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">It starts out of grief. For a life lost, and a life scarred. Jack leans down to kiss her and she clings onto him, eyes fluttering shut as they grow more desperate and more eager. She breathes hard against him as they lead themselves clumsily to Jack's bedroom.</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Would you prefer the— the guest's room?" she asks airily as she starts unbuttoning his jacket. "You know, because…"</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">Jack pauses. "Yeah," he says. "That's a good idea."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">Miriam keeps a hand on Jack's shoulder as she helps him undress, feeling his skin against her fingertips.</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Is it any different to actual fingers?" he asks.</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"It feels the same," he says. "Don't worry about it, Miriam. Just let me take care of you."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">Miriam smiles at him. "I'm all yours, Agent Crawford."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">He scoffs and puts her on her back, pulling her pants down and off. </span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"You're gorgeous, Miriam," he says.</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Have you always thought that?" she asks, tilting her head back as he slowly pushes two fingers inside her, his thumb leaning up to rub at her clit in circles. "Were you, ah, lusting over the young trainee with a PhD?"</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">Jack rolls his eyes. "I fail to see how that is relevant," he says, leaning down to kiss her.</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"It doesn't matter, really," she says, squirming on the bed. "Just curious. And also eager."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"You were always spunky," Jack confides, pressing a kiss to her neck, beard scratching against her throat. She squeaks at the sensation. "Always ready to break the rules just to get to the meat of things. I enjoyed that. I still do."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"My bite has faded," she tells him, gasping when he does a come-hither motion with his fingers, rubbing the pads right against her g-spot. </span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"It's still there," Jack says. "You're just burying it."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"For obvious reasons," she says. </span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"For obvious reasons," he concedes. "Do you want me to have you now, Miriam?"</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Yeah," she nods.</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">He nods and pulls down his pants, stroking himself to hardness before slowly pushing inside her. Miriam gasps and tilts her head back. "Jack," she breathes out.</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Yes?" he asks, leaning down to kiss her as he keeps fucking into her. He's gentle, hands on her sides as he takes what she wants him to take. "Are you alright?" </span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Yeah," she breathes out. "I'm good, Jack. I'm good."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">She could do this forever. She knows her therapist won't enjoy it, to hear that she slept with Jack Crawford, but it's the only way she's found to get out of the hole she's been dug into. She wishes she could say it's a hole she dug herself into, but Hannibal Lecter was holding the shovel and she just let him throw dirt at her.</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">She moans as he takes her, eyes shut tight in pleasure. </span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"You're gorgeous," Jack says, cupping her cheek in his hand. "You're absolutely stunning. I'm so sorry all of this happened."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Don't—" she whines out. "Don't bring what happened to me up </span>
  <span class="">
    <em>
      <span class="md-plain">now.</span>
    </em>
  </span>
  <span class="md-plain">"</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">But it's, really, a constant reminder, every time her prosthesis makes a mechanic noise as she strokes Jack's bicep. She is not escaping what has happened to her, as much as she decides to use Jack's attention to distract her from the fact that she lost two years of her life to being under Hannibal Lecter's grip; grip tight enough for her to not realize it was him.</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"I'm sorry," he says, his breathing heavy. "I'm close, Miriam."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"You can take care of me after you come," she says, legs wrapped tight around his waist. "Come on, Jack, come on."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">He comes into the condom, nails digging into her sides. "That felt… really good."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Well, you should make </span>
  <span class="">
    <em>
      <span class="md-plain">me</span>
    </em>
  </span>
  <span class="md-plain"> feel really good now, then," she says.</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">Jack stares and then he laughs softly. "See? There's the spunky Miriam I knew."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p md-focus">
  <span class="md-plain">He leans down to brush at her clit and Miriam is aware that yes, doing Jack Crawford might not be a therapy-approved coping mechanism, but he's the best she's got.</span>
</p>
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